Tesco’s arrival into the American market is making me quiver with anticipation!
The conqueror of British retail and all-good-food-packaged-(including-four-overly-shiny-green-peppers-sitting-on-plastic-wrapped-in-plastic) is out to reenact the Revolution in Reverse, determined to, someday, turn Wal-mart into a sniveling third-grader who got choked for its lunch money and ran away crying.
Thus, in post-superstore Apocalyptica, leaving every town in America with great hulking structures with dangling Ws (that now read “Mal-Mart”), turned, one by one, into Tesco Rollerinks.
But I digress.
Curiously, Tesco’s strategy for entering the U.S. market is a greenwashed one– I mean hey, if you can’t beat the life of out if, at least dress it up in the latest fashions. So Tesco branding automatons came up with this:
A Greener, Gentler Tesco
Interesting… They’ve decided to do everything wrong and can’t figure out why they aren’t winning over the hearts of American shoppers … hmmm.
1) Fresh. While the local food thing is sort of catching on mainstream, ain’t no way that the “Tesco” American thinks of the food they want to eat as “Fresh.” Fresh to a Tesco American = Vegetarian = beans and hairy arm pits. Yuck
2) Easy. It seems to appeal to the American Mind. We are, afterall, fat and lazy. But there’s that “fresh” word in front of it, acting as a modifier. What do Fresh AND Easy, together, equal? Sounds like carrot sticks to me.
3) Neighborhood Market. Listen. If you have to SAY it’s a neighborhood market, you probably haven’t chosen the right location. That’s like explaining milk to a cow then realizing that cow has got some big ‘nads. Our local “Shaw’s” doesn’t have the word “Grocery Store” in the name anywhere, but I reckon we figured it out when we went it a saw all the cereal organized into one aisle.
4) GREEN! What is this? British Petroleum?
Take a look at the branding for Tesco in Great Britain:
Hungry? Me too! Must Eat World!
We’re f*cking Tesco, got it!? Red, White and BLUE! So Fast, we only got five letters! And it doesn’t even mean anything! Why? because WE RULE YOU!
And, BTW, we also own you. So get in here and buy stuff! Now, before I sell your grandmother on eBay!
Hmmm. That cockiness of spirit. That brash style. Those colors. Reminds me of … something.
Fresh ‘n’ Easy? Sounds like a London whore who’s had a shower.
You’ve nailed it!